Make yourself

Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)

communicants:

Good news! Unfunny asshole Mark Millar didn’t have anything to do with writing this movie. Bad news! Unfunny asshole Joss Whedon did.

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Here’s my issues with people who blindly swing the “fuck joss whedon hammer” and then go on to say that they only have contact with him through a couple of episodes of Buffy. Maybe, if its not to hard you could see what else he has made in his career. Even if buffy, angel, firefly aren’t your cup of tea perhaps you have heard of Toy Story(which garnered him an oscar nom)? He helped write that screenplay. He directed a couple episodes of the office and one for glee. He did doctor horrible’s sing-along-blog(which he won an emmy for). He came up with the idea for Atlantis: the lost empire and wrote the screenplay for Titan AE. He worked on Rosanne as a writer (an emmy award-winning series). I find it hard to believe that his body of work gains him such a negative reaction. That would be like comparing a sip of lemonade that had a pinch of salt added and equaled to you swearing off all lemonade for life.

And now for the review. Oh so you didn’t watch the previous movies (not prequels, a prequel is a movie that comes out AFTER another movie but is based on past events such as Star Wars Episode I is to Star Wars IV, but that doesn’t make Star Wars IV a prequel to Star Wars V. It just makes Star Wars V a sequel. You should learn that if you wanna sound credible.) You see when Batman uses his mobile imaging device he is trying to stop a one-man terrorist threat and that is a classical case of can we corrupt the nation’s security over what can be argued is a finite evil. That is a debate. The tesseract is a device capable of killing the entire world. Tesseract trumps the Joker (and thats hard for me to admit) but its true. You see i offer this analogy you have thirty seconds to live, you will die its a fact nothing to stop it. you are in a room with a man who will go and kill someone in 31 seconds. You can hold him down, you can scream for help but won’t matter in 31 seconds he will kill a  man. You have a gun. The answer is obvious isn’t it? you shoot him. There is no time to question morality because in 30 seconds you die. Nick Fury can stop and go “oh guys is this truly needed” yes because guess what the being capable of having this talk will die (sadly i wanted to extend this to the only beings but in that universe it is now a given fact rational beings outside of earth exist, Kant was right). The point morality goes out the window when most of existence if threatened. You can question the ramifications of killing that man if you take seconds and make it years but for the avengers they only had seconds as far as they knew. Batman knew he had till at least midnight.

You see what your adult(?) brain can’t realize is that TIME IS RELEATIVE just because you see Thor going to pick his hammer up and then it goes from each person to person and five minutes in MOVIE time passes and then he picks it up DOESN’T mean it took him five minutes to do so. Its called a cross-cut (again terms you might want to know if you intend to review movies) these events happened at the same time, Whedon’s intention (my opinion) was to build the tension of Thor’s pain from battle (he had been figuratively and literally stabbed by his brother and shooting lightning for a good while, which i think has to take a toll). It wasn’t that it took him eight years and a day to pick his hammer up, which you know he could easily summon by extending his arm out and willing it to himself. A point i think that furthers my idea of exhaustion and an unwillingness to continue waging war against his brother.

Oh i’m sorry after the Hulk slammed you into expensive marble, i don’t know, roughly a dozen plus times what would you be doing? Brushing it off? Grabbing some aspirin? It was a comical scene and yes an easy way to keep Loki out of the battle until it was finished but it was always needed because there had to be a logical reason for his spear to be easily taken without him noticing to shut down the portal. Which mind you happens in probably about ten minutes. Seeing as they grab the spear, the missile is sent off, they attempt to shut it down, stark chases down the missile which is timed at three minutes, he guides it through the portal, explosion, he falls dramatically back down, hulk wakes him up and then there they are. That was like playing with action figures though, in epic fashion. Those reality driven moments you want are found in the previous movies quite a lot, the avengers isn’t there to ask those questions, its there to have kicked ass and save the day and if it is anything like the others and by the ending bits of TV broadcasts there will be ethical questions made.   

PS “And Joyce was a poor sick fucker who probably died with his balls somewhere up around his navel. None of that for me, thanks” Hunter S. Thompson